BLAH BLAH BLAH

Just in case you didn't know!

2005-06-12T13:49:00.000-07:00

Guess where I am going? ENGLAND!!!!!!!!!!!

Lori's Blog:

2005-06-12T13:13:00.000-07:00

Reading Lori's blog struck a nail. I remember as a child I held both positions. Depending what person I was at the time, I was either hiding and trying deeply to be unnoticed or I was striking out at whoever or whatever crossed my path. I live with tremendous sorrow for all those I have hurt either intentionally or unintentionally. To belong was everything, to appear normal was survival. No one could know the secret I hide, the shame I carried, the dreams that haunted me, but someone had to pay! I wanted to release the anger that consumed my every waking moment. I needed to lash out, to give someone else the pain!
When my friends and I picked on someone, called them names, riduculed them I was so relieved it was not me! that I went along with it, fully knowing in my heart, how much the other person was hurting, but I could not stop. When I would go home alone at night I would cry myself to sleep full of guilt and shame for my behaviour. You see I was that little girl once who was made fun of and riduculed, who was never picked for the team, who's clothes never quite reached the "in fashion" quota! Who lived on the wrong side of the track! The little girl who's family had to move every several months or year for one reason or other. Who's Mom would have black eyes and torn clothes. Who's house would have police officers knocking at their door every couple of weeks! Your probably asking yourself - how could you have treated someone else so cruelly? the only answer I have is I was just glad it was not me!!!!!!!!
There is a girl, Lori Connolly, to whom I owe an apology! For the past 39 years I have carried this guilt! If she is out there I want her to know how deeply, deeply sorrow I am . I want her to know it was never about her. There was nothing wrong with her, she just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time of my life. I pray that God has been good to her and she is happy. I pray that what I did or said, or what ever my friends did or said did not scare her for life. I pray that God healed her heart and she became all of what God had intended her to be. And I pray that God never lets me forget Lori! That I get reminded daily that people, are not always what they appear to be on the outside. That before I open my lips to speak or lash out at someone, I am reminded, of my experience as a child, and how it felt to be riduculed. I pray that I never forget how blessed I am each and every day, and that all our experiences are gifts of life!

A Picture: A Mirror: A Thousand Memories:

2005-02-22T11:12:00.000-08:00

I have always wondered why I hate having my picture taken. I dislike looking in the mirror. I know alot of people can relate to that thought, but mine goes beyond just not being photo-genic, a photographer not catching my good side, my hair not being ready, all that has little consequence to the horror I feel at the thought of someone snapping a shot. I see beyond the imagine that is placed on paper for the world to see. I cannot get beyond the memories that to this day haunt my thoughts. In a picture I feel the pain and cries of a small child. A feel the lonliness and desperation of a young girl. The innocense stolen from a thief. I feel the shame she carries still. I cannot see what Our Lord sees. I cannot look upon that image with love, understanding, and compassion. I look at the picture knowing what goes on in that woman's head. Knowing how that other voice taunts and ridicules. I know how she struggles for acceptance. I know how deep that secret lays. I hear the moaning and cries for deliverance. I know that in darkness I sought love and found nothing. Nothing but more shame. I gave my body freely, but my heart and soul were kept incased in a block of ice. My mind wondered in the skies and floated on clouds. I lay floating endlessly on still blue waters, waiting for my rescue. I cried to our Lord for forgiveness. Our cried to our Lord for redemption. He sent his son! He cried along side me. He held me close in his arms for safety. He held out His hand and lay the other upon my head. He beared my pain and suffering and offered me refuge. It is up to me now to lift my head and seek his loving eyes. To see beyond the tortured lessons life has brought to me. To allow His tender heart to fill me with joy. How longingly my soul wants to go home. Yet, I crawl still with shame! I am so unworthy of His love. I cannot understand why He sent his son to be crucified for me, for us, for the world. I cannot understand why He chose me, yet He tells me daily how much He loves me. I hear His whispers asking me to open my heart and let the ice melt. Only in the acknowlegement of not only sins against me but the sins committed by me can I feel free. Free to lift my head, raise up from my knees, reach for His hand, and follow Him to paradise.

The Other Side of the World!

2005-02-12T14:38:00.000-08:00

I have finally seen the other side of the world! IKEIA I never realized what a sheltered life I had been living in, floors and ailes of stuff - good stuff - I want to buy stuff! I need a third job stuff!!?!?!? Oh wait! Right! I want to quit and only work one job!? What was I thinking? But shopping, now that is worth working for. Mortgage payments, utilities, food who needs it? Shopping at Ikeia, now that is worth it. OH, hold on if I work three jobs I won't have time for shopping, RATS! guess I will have to learn and be patient, save the money and then go shopping. That's no fun!

Avoidance:

2005-02-02T20:47:00.000-08:00

Well, here I am again, not allowing my mind to think. Don't want to! Don't need to! Just want to sit here and do nothing. I feel so tired. Today my sadness covered me like a shadow. Why? I ask myself what am I running from. Is it that my faith in God is not strong enough. Is it that I am afraid He will turn away from me, is this nuts? My teachings tell me that God loves me unconditionally! That there is nothing that I could confess that would turn Him against me. But perhaps that is not the problem. Perhaps my trust in human beings. I have been betrayed so many times and in such a tremendous deep betrayals that maybe that is what I run from. Who am I kidding, God already knows my sins, but is it that I do not want to know them all. Perhaps I cannot face that monster. What if when it is all said and done I am the Monster? When I was younger I prayed so hard to be freed and yet my freedom did not come. I prayed to die and to be taken from this world. Heaven! Lord! Father! Take me home, take me home before my soul is lost forever Lord. I fear this world. Give me strength Oh Lord, please give me strength. Give me courage Oh Lord, give me courage. Open my heart Oh Lord, show me how. Help me search those dark corners of my mind, where evil lays waiting. "Search me, O God, and know my heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. PS 139 23-24

ok let's try it again

2005-01-08T15:41:00.000-08:00

can't seem to figure out why this isnt' working

Regreats and Heartbreak

2005-01-08T13:43:00.001-08:00

Regreats and Heartbreak

2005-01-08T13:43:00.000-08:00

2004-12-22T19:04:00.000-08:00

just testing the site

2004-12-22T18:23:00.000-08:00

I feel Sad.

2004-12-15T16:19:00.000-08:00

I know this is the time of year when everyone is usually in good cheer, the laughter and giggles are heard everywhere, people are busy shopping and wrapping gifts. Then there is the baking, decorating the tree, visiting with friends and families. But for me it has not always been that way and some days like today, my heart is so lonely and sad. The taste of salty tears form puddles on my cheeks, and my heart feels like it is about to crack. The pain I feel in my chest expands until I feel like I will not be able to breath. Where does this sadness and grief come from? Out of the blue, in the middle of the day, my thoughts wonder to my childhood, I think about the poor souls out there with no place to sleep and keep warm, I think about the children whose family members are now in Iraq fighting a war and trying to stay alive, they will not be with them for Christmas. I think about the sick and lonely in hospitals. I think about the families whose members are not expected to live through Christmas. I think about how my children are so sad and broken hearted this year. I think about the injustices in this world. I think about the addicts who struggle daily with sobriety.I think about all of the above and more and cry until I cannot anymore, and then I wipe my tears, and thank God for listening to me and giving me so many blessings! I thank Him I am alive and still have hope for tomorrow. Tonight, I will be with friends, we will eat, laugh, and pray. Today will be like it never happened. Thank you LOrd for my friends.

Forgiveness!

2004-12-11T17:30:00.000-08:00

I have heard some pretty wild stuff in the past month or so and truthfully I am tried of the .!?!?!?......I am not sure where all the gossip starts from nor am I interested in where it is going. I am however, sure it needs to stop!
I too like everyone else, have been either the recipicant or the accuser of gossip in my past. We, sometimes, do not think what harm and pain our tongues can get ourselves into. What damage it can do to another's reputation and the pain it can cause them as well as their families.
I cannot believe how unforgiving and judgemental we are as a church. A church that is supposedly about forgiveness and loving one another. A church whose message is community and looking after one another. Where did we go wrong? Are we all so perfect in our own lives that we can sit and take judgement and punishment into our own hands? Are we all so perfect that when our time comes we could stand before our Lord and say I am without sin?
"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?"Mathew 7:1:3
I cannot speak for anyone else, but I know in my heart that I wake up every day of my life with the stain of sin on my soul. I wake up everyday and thank God that he has forgiven me and will never leave me. I thank God everyday that He has shown me great mercy. I thank God everyday that above all, my Lord loves me as I am, not as others see me. I thank God everyday, that he is not me or you! I for one will not stand and point fingers any longer. Who are we to judge? Who are we to pick and choose who is lovable and who is not? "Blessed are the merciful for they will be shown mercy" Mathew 5:7

Temper Trantrum

2004-10-19T13:06:00.000-07:00

I attended a great seminar on the weekend. "The GraceLife Adventure" When I left on Saturday I had renewed hope. Then I woke up Sunday morning feeling angry and frustrated. I kept asking myself where is this coming from? I should be feeling joyous and grateful for the Gift I have received. What was going on with me? Was I nuts when I said I would give up Control? Why on earth did that word come to me immediately? Well, after reading Sushi's blog a thought came into my head like a bolt of lightening. Your having a temper tantrum! Like a small child would with their parent when sending them off to school for the first time, or leaving them at the daycare. I don't want to! I don't have to! I don't want to go there! I think today it has come to me, that in the past couple of years God has spoken to me in so many ways. Not literally! No burning bushes! No loud thunder sounds! But through circumstances, friends, and oh yes, even with the Bow Wow's. He has shown me compassion and understanding. He has revealed to me answers to questions that haunted me for a very longtime. Made me see and understnad some of the actions of those in the past who have hurt me deeply. I thought I had forgiven them. There is, however, an area, I have avoided my whole life. When my thoughts have gone to this place I have been able to stuff the emotions that came along with it. I have worked my entire life to keep them there. Under cover, buried in darkness. Never allowing any light to reach. I have kept control! I worked hard: drugs, alcohol, sex, overwork, self-abuse, whatever it took to distract me. I begged, I cried, and I have pleaded with God to end the torment, but I never allowed Him in. I never spoke the words out loud! Now, I want to run, I am afraid! Or so the enemy inside me wants me to think. But my Father in heaven has come with me through all of my life. He has cried when I cried, and felt my pain with me. He knows all of me and still He loves me. He has held me up when I could not stand on my own. In my darkest moments when I thought death was my only refuge He showed me Life. Why should I be afraid?

Thanksgiving!

2004-10-10T14:39:00.000-07:00

How I have grown over the past few years! At one time in my life I let the hurts and pain rule my life, the anger I felt took over me and every moment was met with thoughts of revenge. But today I can honestly tell you, that I now see what God has done for me. There is still room for growth but I believe I am on the road to recovery. Oh yes, I have my days where I fall, but it does not take me as long to get up, as it once did. Some of my most valuable lessons have come from my most desperately painful times. For many years I kept myself in a cave, and today, at 48 years old, I am still crawling out, one step at a time. There is still alot of pain to work through, but there is so much more joy to experience. I did not get to this place alone. Thanks to our Lord for putting people in my life to help me find my way home.
On February 1, 2004 I wrote in a book "notes to self" - one came from Mike, one from Pastor Scott, and another from a lady named Naomi.(who I do not know)
"look and learn from the wreckage of the past to live freely in the future" - Mike
"I am not where I want to be but thank God I am not where I use to be" - Pastor Scott
"You are what you think, look at your past with open eyes" - Naomi
I have thought of those words many times and they have meant alot to my recovery. I would also like to specially thank, Pastor Susan for being there for me and always willing to listen to me no matter how silly I got. I would like to thank all of her family for being such wonderfully generous, and genuine people. All my other BOW WOW members for always being there. To many of my church family who have been there for me even though they did not personally know me. Thank you for my family and friends. Thank you to Mike, for accepting me for the way I am. Thank you Pastor Scott for not giving up, it would have been a tremendous loss to our community. But most of all, thank you Lord, for LIFE!!!!!

Happy Thanksgiving to ALL!

Family Memories!

2004-10-08T18:27:00.000-07:00

For many years most of my family memories were all the sad hurtful ones. As I get older, I am noticing more and more, that I am able to let go of the bad ones and choose to remember the good ones. We must, I think never completely forget the memories that hurt us, but only, so we can learn from mistakes made by others, so not to repeat them with our own children. I was not close to my Mother for reasons I will not get into right now, but one of my favorite memories with my Mom was when she allowed me to stay up late with her and watch TV. My Mom was not a great cook but man she could make the best homemade bread. She would make tea and we would have hot homemade bread with jam as a snack. Those who know me, know I have five brothers and no sisters, so life was not always fun being the only girl in the house. Unfortunately, I do not have many, but the ones I have I will cherish and hold close to my heart forever. Sometimes, it is the little things we do that leave the most impact. It is all, in what was in our heart, those will be the most precious moments. And at times of great sorrow it is those memories that will help you carry on.

blah blah blah

2004-09-26T18:18:00.000-07:00

ablog this

I'M HERE

2004-09-26T18:14:00.000-07:00

watch this spot for the latest