Just in case you didn't know!

Guess where I am going? ENGLAND!!!!!!!!!!!

Lori's Blog:

Reading Lori's blog struck a nail. I remember as a child I held both positions. Depending what person I was at the time, I was either hiding and trying deeply to be unnoticed or I was striking out at whoever or whatever crossed my path. I live with tremendous sorrow for all those I have hurt either intentionally or unintentionally. To belong was everything, to appear normal was survival. No one could know the secret I hide, the shame I carried, the dreams that haunted me, but someone had to pay! I wanted to release the anger that consumed my every waking moment. I needed to lash out, to give someone else the pain!
When my friends and I picked on someone, called them names, riduculed them I was so relieved it was not me! that I went along with it, fully knowing in my heart, how much the other person was hurting, but I could not stop. When I would go home alone at night I would cry myself to sleep full of guilt and shame for my behaviour. You see I was that little girl once who was made fun of and riduculed, who was never picked for the team, who's clothes never quite reached the "in fashion" quota! Who lived on the wrong side of the track! The little girl who's family had to move every several months or year for one reason or other. Who's Mom would have black eyes and torn clothes. Who's house would have police officers knocking at their door every couple of weeks! Your probably asking yourself - how could you have treated someone else so cruelly? the only answer I have is I was just glad it was not me!!!!!!!!
There is a girl, Lori Connolly, to whom I owe an apology! For the past 39 years I have carried this guilt! If she is out there I want her to know how deeply, deeply sorrow I am . I want her to know it was never about her. There was nothing wrong with her, she just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time of my life. I pray that God has been good to her and she is happy. I pray that what I did or said, or what ever my friends did or said did not scare her for life. I pray that God healed her heart and she became all of what God had intended her to be. And I pray that God never lets me forget Lori! That I get reminded daily that people, are not always what they appear to be on the outside. That before I open my lips to speak or lash out at someone, I am reminded, of my experience as a child, and how it felt to be riduculed. I pray that I never forget how blessed I am each and every day, and that all our experiences are gifts of life!

A Picture: A Mirror: A Thousand Memories:

I have always wondered why I hate having my picture taken. I dislike looking in the mirror. I know alot of people can relate to that thought, but mine goes beyond just not being photo-genic, a photographer not catching my good side, my hair not being ready, all that has little consequence to the horror I feel at the thought of someone snapping a shot. I see beyond the imagine that is placed on paper for the world to see. I cannot get beyond the memories that to this day haunt my thoughts. In a picture I feel the pain and cries of a small child. A feel the lonliness and desperation of a young girl. The innocense stolen from a thief. I feel the shame she carries still. I cannot see what Our Lord sees. I cannot look upon that image with love, understanding, and compassion. I look at the picture knowing what goes on in that woman's head. Knowing how that other voice taunts and ridicules. I know how she struggles for acceptance. I know how deep that secret lays. I hear the moaning and cries for deliverance. I know that in darkness I sought love and found nothing. Nothing but more shame. I gave my body freely, but my heart and soul were kept incased in a block of ice. My mind wondered in the skies and floated on clouds. I lay floating endlessly on still blue waters, waiting for my rescue. I cried to our Lord for forgiveness. Our cried to our Lord for redemption. He sent his son! He cried along side me. He held me close in his arms for safety. He held out His hand and lay the other upon my head. He beared my pain and suffering and offered me refuge. It is up to me now to lift my head and seek his loving eyes. To see beyond the tortured lessons life has brought to me. To allow His tender heart to fill me with joy. How longingly my soul wants to go home. Yet, I crawl still with shame! I am so unworthy of His love. I cannot understand why He sent his son to be crucified for me, for us, for the world. I cannot understand why He chose me, yet He tells me daily how much He loves me. I hear His whispers asking me to open my heart and let the ice melt. Only in the acknowlegement of not only sins against me but the sins committed by me can I feel free. Free to lift my head, raise up from my knees, reach for His hand, and follow Him to paradise.

The Other Side of the World!

I have finally seen the other side of the world! IKEIA I never realized what a sheltered life I had been living in, floors and ailes of stuff - good stuff - I want to buy stuff! I need a third job stuff!!?!?!? Oh wait! Right! I want to quit and only work one job!? What was I thinking? But shopping, now that is worth working for. Mortgage payments, utilities, food who needs it? Shopping at Ikeia, now that is worth it. OH, hold on if I work three jobs I won't have time for shopping, RATS! guess I will have to learn and be patient, save the money and then go shopping. That's no fun!

Avoidance:

Well, here I am again, not allowing my mind to think. Don't want to! Don't need to! Just want to sit here and do nothing. I feel so tired. Today my sadness covered me like a shadow. Why? I ask myself what am I running from. Is it that my faith in God is not strong enough. Is it that I am afraid He will turn away from me, is this nuts? My teachings tell me that God loves me unconditionally! That there is nothing that I could confess that would turn Him against me. But perhaps that is not the problem. Perhaps my trust in human beings. I have been betrayed so many times and in such a tremendous deep betrayals that maybe that is what I run from. Who am I kidding, God already knows my sins, but is it that I do not want to know them all. Perhaps I cannot face that monster. What if when it is all said and done I am the Monster? When I was younger I prayed so hard to be freed and yet my freedom did not come. I prayed to die and to be taken from this world. Heaven! Lord! Father! Take me home, take me home before my soul is lost forever Lord. I fear this world. Give me strength Oh Lord, please give me strength. Give me courage Oh Lord, give me courage. Open my heart Oh Lord, show me how. Help me search those dark corners of my mind, where evil lays waiting. "Search me, O God, and know my heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. PS 139 23-24

ok let's try it again

can't seem to figure out why this isnt' working

Regreats and Heartbreak

Regreats and Heartbreak

just testing the site

I feel Sad.

I know this is the time of year when everyone is usually in good cheer, the laughter and giggles are heard everywhere, people are busy shopping and wrapping gifts. Then there is the baking, decorating the tree, visiting with friends and families. But for me it has not always been that way and some days like today, my heart is so lonely and sad. The taste of salty tears form puddles on my cheeks, and my heart feels like it is about to crack. The pain I feel in my chest expands until I feel like I will not be able to breath. Where does this sadness and grief come from? Out of the blue, in the middle of the day, my thoughts wonder to my childhood, I think about the poor souls out there with no place to sleep and keep warm, I think about the children whose family members are now in Iraq fighting a war and trying to stay alive, they will not be with them for Christmas. I think about the sick and lonely in hospitals. I think about the families whose members are not expected to live through Christmas. I think about how my children are so sad and broken hearted this year. I think about the injustices in this world. I think about the addicts who struggle daily with sobriety.I think about all of the above and more and cry until I cannot anymore, and then I wipe my tears, and thank God for listening to me and giving me so many blessings! I thank Him I am alive and still have hope for tomorrow. Tonight, I will be with friends, we will eat, laugh, and pray. Today will be like it never happened. Thank you LOrd for my friends.